Day 14 of 23 Day Trial

At about 2 o’clock I made a decision that I wasn’t going to get up at five this morning.  My son has caught my cold and he is just miserable when he tries to sleep.  The mucus causes him to cough and wakes him.  I have the day off today, so I stayed up with him last night.  Rocking him helped him sleep and keep him in a more upright position.  Which reduced his coughing.

 I was still up at six and because I have been conscious of my trial, I had a plan of action in place before I woke.  I am still going to be productive today.  I came into the office this morning, even though I have the day off.  I am not going to work on anything for the school.  My work today is strictly personal business. I could have chosen to do it at home, but there is the t.v. and a multitude of other distractions.  I figure if I came to the office I would be on task.  If I don’t get a lot done, I will feel guilty for sending my son to daycare when I could have spent the day with him. 

As for yesterday, my MITs were all geared towards the family-particularly towards my stepdaughter.  We have had a very rocky relationship.  At the beginning of last week I wanted to call it quits.  I wanted nothing more to do with her.  I thought, why bother trying to raise her?  All I get in return for trying to help her develop a skill-set that most 14 year olds acquired back when they were nine or ten years old is animosity, disrespect, and quite frankly hurt.  She is not my natural child, I did not have that binding time with her as a babe as I have with my son.  That unconditional love simply just isn’t there.

I was angry and hurt and wanted nothing more to do with her, and then a bit of understanding came to me during my morning routine.  The mystery I was supposed to reflect on during my morning Rosary was the sorrowful mystery.  For those of you not familiar with the Rosary.  The sorrowful mystery reflects on five points in the Gospel:  The agony in the garden, the scourging of Jesus, the crowning of thorns, carrying the cross, and the crucifixion.

I thought about how I still had three and half more years before that I would have to deal with her and there was Jesus in the garden pondering the weight of what he was about to suffer and my view of my own problems shrunk a little (I was still pretty self absorbed–actually if I think about three and a half years it still seems like a long, long time).  He accepted God’s will and suffered the scourging, the humiliation, the cross, and the crucifixion.  When I realized that, my thoughts switched from a comparison of my suffering at the hands of my stepdaughter to my own transgressions (perhaps it was as I prayed “Forgive us our sins and we forgive those who sin against us”).  For the first time in my life, I think I understood how my sins must appear in the eyes of God.  I realized that I am like my stepdaughter, I perform many of the same sins over and over, God forgives me and then I do them again.  Here I was tired of forgiving my stepdaughter for the same behaviors she did over and over and I had told myself I can’t forgive her anymore.  I was filled with a very scary thought, what if God got tired of forgiving me?  There choice for me became obvious, I couldn’t pray another ”Our Father” and ask for God to forgive me of my sins if I don’t forgive my stepdaughter.  And so I have tried again.

Yesterday I chose to make the day all about her.  I took her to lunch at her favorite restaurant and then grocery shopping.  Later in the day we went and got her hair cut and saw a movie.  Usually, if we are driving to any place outside of town I try to have a “discussion” with her.  In other words, I have an agenda to try and get a point across.  I do so, because the time in the car is the only time I really have an opportunity to capture her attention.   I forbid myself from having any ”discussions” on the agenda.  I let her talk about what she wanted and I refrained from bringing up the past week.  The closest we came to that was at lunch when she asked about bringing a foreign exchange student into our home and I told her I don’t think I’m ready for that, as I have a hard enough time trying to relate to one teenage girl in the house and don’t think I could handle another.  I then pointed reminded her of the fights she has with her mother and I and asked her if she really wanted others seeing that?  We moved on from there, having left the discussion with a we’ll see how things are going next year.

I heard her say that ”today was greatest day” in passing as we were getting ready to see Cloverfield.  I feel my goal for the day was accomplished and I learned a little.